JANku JANai ジャンクじゃない

this post is about love. LOVE. Time and time again, i ask what is love, how do you love?

the two commandments were love God above everything everyone else, and love yourself as you love others.

Before in my recently ended relationship, i guess i failed to love myself, i was always insecure which is why i got mad all the time.. i got possessive and jealous. Because as they say “pag nagseselos ka mahal mo yung tao”

1 Corinthians 13 (New International Version)

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Ane now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Now, I read this thinking that oh~ this is about kevin.

Partially, yes. But that’s not it. it’s applicable to everyone around me. my family, my friends, my acquaintances. A while ago while i talked to a previous colleague of mine, I realized that yeah, all my life i’ve been living wrongly. I failed to see that i hurt people. Because I thought people had no feelings at all. I’m a bad listener because I don’t respect people. I feel like people are disposable. I feel like nobody’s special to me in this world.(except for my family ofcourse).

I realized that as I did not love kevin the way people are supposed to love, maybe before when we were together. I loved kevin. But during the course of our relationship. I was just possessive. We made some mistakes which resulted to those. But in a way, this separation has been a blessing in disguise. If I was not separated from kevin, my faith would have rotten away. My soul was already rotting in that relationship. I did so many bad things to kevin, with kevin.

I want to change. Primary reason is not because of everyone else. but myself first. I must appreciate my good traits. See my bad traits and replace them with the good. I should feel more confident about myself, not in an arrogant way. :)

Application for this week:

I will be PATIENT

Be nice to people :) respect people. Don’t get mad easily. If I feel like i wanna get mad, then I should just think I should love everyone. Even my enemies.

Listen to others, give them a chance. Be open to other options. Help people and perform well in the society. :) Be understanding.

Envy, has been a part of me ever since. But now that I wanna change. I wouldn’t mind kevin and the stuff he does with his life. I will not envy the people he desires. I will not envy anyone at all.

I will NOT BOAST, I will NOT BE PROUD and Self-Seeking.

Simple, I will not be “the tallest man on earth” kind of reaction to people. I will not think of myself as some higher being than them. Just a person with feelings. And people, also have feelings. Which is weird. I believed too much in Des Cartes, I think therefore I am. I know I think therefore I exist. I don’t know if you guys think, so I don’t know if you exist. People exist not because of me. People coexist. Before, in our Philosophy class, my teacher asked, who can disprove “I think therefore I am”. I immediately reacted as we were being told “I don’t know if you exist because I don’t know what you’re thinking”. And I was like “Uhm if that’s true then I could control you guys with my imagination, which is impossible. I know you guys think on your own because you act on your own.” Somewhere down the road that sane side of mine was lost. And I guess I was so arrogant to think “I think therefore I am” And saw people as merely hallow dolls who lived to entertain me. And when I’m tired of them or found something new it’s like i’m disposing them in my life. :( That won’t happen anymore. I will change my mindset.

I will NOT KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS

Which is probably the hardest, I have always kept a record of wrong doers and what they did wrong in my head, one of the most dreadful things in our relationship. My worst trait ever. I will start to forget that. And if I have Idle time, I will use that to study and not contemplate on the wrong things people do to me.

always PROTECTs, always TRUSTs, always HOPEs, always PERSEVERES.

Because I will start to love myself, I will protect myself from sadness, trust in God that he will lead me to greener pastures, Persevere for my better future.

Because I will start loving people, I will protect them from afar. I will trust what they say and hope to God that it’s not a lie. I will hope and pray for their betterment. I will persevere in times that I have to cope with their bad sides.

We all have our bad sides. But it’s up to the person to change himself/herself. I will not force anyone. I will not judge anyone anymore.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This is a chance for me to change, I live, and I won’t waste my life being the prick that I am. I want to change. I am thankful. I am happy :). I do not regret. As Sir Raffy had said, “I do not regret anything anymore, What I am now is because of what happened to me before”

I admit the breakup had caused me to rethink about myself and my future. :) The important thing in every chapter in my life is the lessons learned. I must not just talk and talk I also have to understand. I have to respect. Otherwise, that would not be love at all.

I want to thank those who listened to me, Nile, wenz, Ronel, specially my Ate. Thanks you guys, I wouldn’t have written these without you.